What Parents Should Avoid Saying (and What Helps Instead)
Prep4mance | Evidence-Based Performance Insights for Students & Parents
Parents play a powerful role in a student’s emotional and academic development. When it comes to test anxiety, the language parents use can influence whether a student feels supported or pressured, capable or overwhelmed. Most parents are trying to help, yet certain phrases—often delivered with good intentions—can amplify a student’s anxiety without anyone realizing it.
This article explains why some common messages inadvertently worsen test anxiety, what parents can say instead, and how small shifts in communication can significantly improve a student’s emotional regulation and performance.
The Parental Role in Shaping Test Stress
Parents are often a student's primary source of emotional feedback. Before a test, students are not just evaluating the content they’ve studied—they’re interpreting cues from their environment: parental expectations, tone, questions, facial expressions, and even silence.
Research consistently shows that students who perceive high levels of external pressure are more likely to experience elevated stress responses. The brain interprets pressure as higher stakes, and high stakes activate the defensive systems responsible for test anxiety.
Importantly, pressure is not always delivered explicitly. It is often conveyed through rushed advice, well-meaning encouragement, or emotionally charged questions. When parents understand the neuroscience behind stress, they can refine their communication style to promote calm rather than fear.
Why Certain Phrases Trigger Anxiety
Parents sometimes tell students to “calm down,” “focus more,” or “just do your best,” believing these statements offer reassurance. In reality, they often do the opposite.
Statements like “You’ll be fine” can minimize a student’s emotional experience. “You just need to try harder” implies that anxiety stems from insufficient effort rather than a physiological response. “This test is really important” magnifies consequences and increases perceived stakes.
When a student already feels pressure, even encouragement can be misinterpreted as expectation. The brain’s alarm system becomes sensitized, and the student enters the exam with heightened arousal, decreased working memory, and reduced confidence.
Understanding this helps parents shift from performance-focused communication to support-focused communication.
Phrases That Increase Pressure—And Why They Matter
Below are a few examples of commonly used parental statements that tend to intensify anxiety. They are presented not as criticism but as guideposts for more effective support.
When parents say, “This test is really important,” the intention is usually to motivate. But the student hears, “Failure will be a big problem,” which increases fear of negative evaluation.
When parents say, “You should be able to do this,” the intention is to express confidence. The student may hear, “If you struggle, something is wrong with you,” which reinforces self-doubt.
When parents say, “There’s no reason to be nervous,” they aim to comfort. Yet the student hears, “Your feelings are invalid,” which can create shame and increase rumination.
Even the classic, “I know you can get an A,” though meant as encouragement, places the focus on outcomes rather than effort or learning processes. When outcomes are emphasized, anxiety increases because the brain fixates on potential failure.
These examples highlight a core principle: when students feel evaluated, even by loving parents, their nervous system becomes more reactive.
What Helps Instead: Communication That Regulates, Not Pressures
Supportive communication does not ignore the importance of academics—it acknowledges the student’s reality while reducing perceived threat.
Parents can help by validating the student’s emotions. A simple acknowledgment such as, “It makes sense that you’re anxious about this,” tells the student their feelings are normal. Validation does not increase anxiety; it decreases the sense of isolation that often accompanies it.
Another powerful shift is moving from outcome-oriented statements to process-oriented support. Saying, “I’m proud of how you’ve been preparing,” emphasizes effort. Saying, “You’ve been building strong study habits,” highlights development rather than judgment.
Parents can also use language that reinforces capability without pressure. “You’ve handled difficult things before, and you’re learning how to handle this too,” is both realistic and empowering.
Small changes in tone matter. Even the difference between asking, “Are you ready?” and asking, “How can I support you right now?” significantly alters how the student interprets the conversation.
Helping Students Regulate Their Nervous System
Test anxiety is not driven by logic; it is driven by physiology. Parents who understand this can offer support that targets the underlying regulation system rather than the exam content itself.
Before an exam, instead of quizzing the student or reviewing their notes, parents can encourage predictable routines: consistent sleep, structured study blocks, short breaks, and calming transitions. These routines reduce uncertainty, which is a major trigger for anxiety.
During the days leading up to the test, gentle check-ins are more effective than repeated questions about preparedness. A question like, “How are you feeling about the test?” opens a reflective conversation rather than an evaluative one.
Parents can also model calm behavior. Students subconsciously read parental stress signals. If a parent appears anxious or overly invested, the student interprets the stakes as higher, and the brain’s alarm system activates more easily.
After the Test: The Importance of Decompression and Reflection
How parents respond after the exam matters just as much as what they say before it. If the first question is, “How do you think you did?” the student’s attention is drawn immediately to evaluation. Instead, parents can begin with, “How are you feeling now that it’s done?” which supports emotional processing.
Once a student feels grounded, reflective questions become more productive:
What strategies helped you stay focused?
What felt challenging, and how can we plan for that next time?
What worked well that you want to repeat?
This approach reinforces growth, not judgment.
It also prevents future anxiety by teaching the student that their value is not tied to performance, and that challenges are opportunities for refinement rather than evidence of inadequacy.
Why Supportive Communication Improves Academic Performance
When parents use language that conveys safety and acceptance, the student’s nervous system interprets the testing environment as less threatening. This keeps the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, memory, and problem-solving—online. With full cognitive resources available, students are able to demonstrate the knowledge they have worked hard to build.
This is why supportive communication is not just emotionally beneficial; it is academically strategic. It enhances performance by preventing the physiological interference that test anxiety creates.
Conclusion
Parents play a pivotal role in shaping how students experience academic challenges. Even the most well-meaning comments can inadvertently increase pressure, but with small shifts in language and tone, parents can become powerful allies in regulating stress and reducing test anxiety.
When communication emphasizes understanding, effort, and growth rather than outcomes or expectations, students approach exams with greater emotional stability and cognitive clarity. And in the long term, these communication habits support not only academic performance but also emotional resilience and healthier attitudes toward learning.